• AGF

Peipei Han 得救见证 Chinese&English

Updated: Jul 30, 2018

成为基督徒的过程对我来说好像是顺其自然的事。说起来,与上帝结缘是在我去年八月来到美国之前了。通过LAX接机服务,我有幸认识了Caleb牧师, Michael教授和Amanda姊妹。后来又陆续结识了Annie,Robin,Linda和很多其他奇异恩典团契的好朋友。我们一起度过了很多美好的星期五之夜,一起唱歌,吃东西聊天。期初我只是怀着交朋友的想法来参加奇异恩典团契的。我想是那种身在异乡同为华人的情感和心理需求将我和奇异恩典连在一起。因为它安全,亲切又活泼。朋友们在一起创造很多美好的记忆。

有两位弟兄的见证对我触动很大。一位是Forrest。他来奇异恩典团契分享了圣灵是如何将从原来恃才傲物怨天尤人的他转变成常常自省坦然接受自己弱点的Forrest的故事。这样的转变将他引领到了一个崭新的世界。我相信这一切真实可靠,因为没有人有必要讲自己最深埋的情感和想法曝露给别人看。我也由此看到了上帝创造奇迹的巨大能量。新年前夕Forrest浪子回头的话剧表演也令我十分动容。我不由自主地流起眼泪,这其中或许有每逢佳节倍思亲的成分,还因为我也希望自己能够有机会获得上帝宽恕和爱。另一件较为震撼的事是Frank在奇异恩典团契中分享了一段加州理工大学教授质疑进化论理论的视频。我之所以受到震撼是因为我从来没有质疑过进化论。虽然并不十分了解进化论,但似乎承认他接受他看起来是聪明人的做法,于是我就这样轻轻松松的接受了它。我开始想要更多地了解创世纪和耶稣为我们的罪而死有复活的事迹。

在南加大的学习生活我一直很享受,但找实习工作的经历却压力十足。职业顾问给我很大压力,她规定每个同学都应该在四月之前签到实习合同,言外之意如果做不到就非常失败。当看到同学们陆陆续续拿到面试和工作合同而我的境况一尘不变时,我开始嫉妒起身边的同学。因为嫉妒心理的影响,我说话变得尖刻,充满挖苦和讽刺,也心浮气躁极易迁怒他人。后果就是我和一些朋友的关系破裂了。我心底里黑暗的一面战胜了光亮的一面。虽然知道这样做很没风度却又无法自持。我原以为我还是个不错的人但那时我意识到人很难很难做到一以贯之的好。我意识到我需要上帝的指引。我把这些问题拿来和教会的朋友们谈。他们很乐意为我祈祷,我自己也开始向上帝祈祷。通常是在临睡前我默默在心底里向上帝祈祷。这渐渐帮我摆脱嫉妒情绪和自责的怪圈,给我力量和勇气集中精力找工作。出人意料的是,最终不仅在同学和教授帮助下我拿到了实习机会还接到了全职工作的橄榄枝。

正当我意满志得想着只要好好享受最后的半年的学生生涯时,另一个考验悄悄来临。妈妈原以为可以很顺利得从舅舅家帮我借到学费,但却被拒绝。妈妈还想瞒着我,我也是无意中在视频聊天时发现的。顿时觉得好伤心好沮丧好无助。但这件事也帮我认识到找到工作只是漫长人生的一小部分,未来我还可能面对更多挑战。我不想重蹈覆辙,不想变成一个自己都不喜欢的人。我不想再被仇恨嫉妒愤怒控制。我希望自己有爱也希望被上帝眷顾。我需要圣灵塑造我指引我。那天晚上我好想感觉到耶稣基督他轻扣我的心门。我愿意要圣灵住进我的心,成我的天父和救主。我在2017年7月9日信主。从那开始,我渐渐地有了每日自我反省的习惯,也更容易认识到自己的罪,这帮我避免了很多的冲突。我希望自己能更深刻地认识上帝,就像马可福音四章一到八节所说,我愿意让圣灵像长在好土里的种子一样深深根植于我的心,最终能有出三十倍,六十倍甚至百倍的收获。


My whole process of becoming a Christian is very natural and simple to me. The story began before I landed in the USA last August. Through the airport pick up service, I got to know Caleb Tan, Professor Michael, and Amanda Wang. From then on, I got to know Annie, Robin, Linda and many other good friends in Amazing Grace Fellowship(AGF). We spent many Friday evenings together singing, eating and talking. Food is the part I love most, to be honest as I can only cook noodles at home. At the beginning, I think it might be my fulfill, an emotional and phycological need driven me to a familiar community. AGF definitely meets this need. It’s safe, diverse and active. Together we made many fond memories for ourselves.

I was enlightened in two occasions when people shared their testimonies. One was from Forrest’s testimony. He shared how Jesus and the Holy Spirit transformed himself from an arrogant person to one who is introspective and honest with his weakness. This brings him to a brand-new world. I believe it is true as no one needs to reveal his history, the deep feeling, and even ugly thoughts to others. I believe he is genuine. I saw a great power of God to change man’s mind which is a tough job. Forrest also surprised me by the terrific drama show on the New Year Eve. It was the prodigal son story. I cannot help to tear all the time. I felt that the God looks like my mom given my life and willing to forgive anything I have done. I am also willing to be loved and forgiven by God. Another thing shocked me was Frank showed us a Cal tech professor’s video about questioning the evolution theory. I never asked for any evidence of evolution and I never quite understood what the theory is about. Maybe I just want to feel smart by asserting this theory. Knowledge is about searching but religious is more about believing. I started to try to know more about the creation as well as the Jesus death for our sins and the resurrection process.

I enjoyed most of my time at USC. However, the internship seeking process was really stressful. The career advisor pushed us really hard and set the timeline that we should all get internship offers before April. When my classmates began to get interviews and offers while nothing came to me. I became jealous of my classmates’ success. This led to unhealthy conversation and behaviors and destroy the friendship. The dark side beat the good side in me. I know it is not decent but cannot control. I thought I was a good person but at that time I realized nobody could be consistently nice without the guide of God. The conversation with some close friends helped me. Annie, Michael, and Caleb also prayed for me to God. I also started to pray. I talked with God silently before bedtime. It helped me get out of the jealousy and self-blaming cycle and gave me strength and courage to continue seeking for jobs. Finally, I got not only an internship but also a full-time job offer which is far beyond my expectation.

When I thought this was a happy ending of my academic life, actually another test was waiting for me. My mom previously thought my uncle would surely lend us some money for my tuition fee. However, it turned out to be a day dream. My mother did not want me to know about this but I figured it out when I video-chatted with her. I felt miserable and helpless. I realized that getting a job was only a little part of my life journey. There is a long way ahead and there will be many difficulties I need to face in the future. I do not want to react to these situations and sins and become a person I do not even like myself. I do not want hate, jealousy, anger. I want to love and to be loved by God. I need the Holy Spirit to mold and guide me. That night, I felt like Jesus was knocking at the door of my heart. I decided to let the Holy Spirit in and received Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and Savior. It happened naturally as I said so at the beginning. The date was July 9, 2017. After that, the daily self-reflection has generally become my habit and I am more sensitive toward my sins and it helps a lot to omit many conflicts. I am still on my way to know God better. I like the sower parable in MARK 4:1-8. I would like the Holy Spirit to grow like a seed in good soil and be able to produce a crop that multiplies thirty, sixty and a hundred times.

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